It's not something I've ever really thought about, so I thought I'd give it a go. Thinking about it, I mean. Not actually getting married. I've heard people talking and I've seen a few TV talk shows about it in recent days, so I figured I'd get it over with. Talking. Not marriage.
Right, anyway...
My mum has always said "Never get married!" but every time she's said it she has been really drunk and very angry with my dad. Until last week, when she was sober and said it. She said it because a family friend, who had been with her boyfriend for near enough ten years, suddenly decided they were going to tie the knot, and Mum really couldn't understand why.
I am - and for the foreseeable future will be - undecided about the whole thing.
Things I DON'T like about marriage:
The cost, stress and pressure of the whole wedding day.
The cost, stress and pressure of a divorce, should it head that way.
The fact that it's a binding contract, and the idea that 'love' needs a binding contract.
The feeling, once married, that because you're married you shouldn't leave the relationship if you're unhappy.
Things I DO like about marriage:
The warm fuzzy feeling.
The sentimentality of the ring(s) and taking your partner's name.
Black and white written proof that you're a family.
A big party-day to celebrate love with everyone important to you.
Am I missing anything?
After making those lists I've realised something. People can technically have all the good things without actually committing to the bad things. Spend the rest of your life with someone without getting legally bound. Have the warm fuzzy feeling, buy a gorgeous ring for her/him (rather than a standard gold band that everyone has - they're sooooo 90's), have a giant party without the expensive wedding cake and 5 course meals for a hundred people. Hell, have a party every year. Make an anniversary of it. As for the written proof that you're a family.... well, I'm not sure it's really all that important now that I've gone through everything else. Being a family isn't about having it written down on paper, it's about loving someone and being happy with them, and if you're meant to spend the rest of your life with someone you will, regardless of how many pages of contract you've signed together.
Dunno if its the same way there, but here there's a significant tax break you get once married... so there's another benefit associated with it.
ReplyDeleteFor the religious folks, the actual wedding is seen as "standing before God and Family and making a promise to protect the marriage" and etc etc. For me, it's more standing in front of friends and family and proclaiming that, and knowing you have the support of everyone there to help make it work. That's what it's SUPPOSED to mean, anyways... it's not always the case lol.
With divorce being an option legally, really having a "legal" marriage is no different than a relationship. More expensive, but beyond that every bit as transitory. So it's really more what you put into it I think... there's a certain mindset that comes with getting married that makes it feel more permanent... and if that's what someone needs in order to make them feel like they should do everything possible to protect the marriage then I'm ok with it.
Surely if a relationship is worth work and effort it shouldn't require a marriage certificate, though.
ReplyDeleteAnd I really REALLY don't see any worth or appeal or NEED to represent or prove your relationship to any 'god' or friends and family by signing a contract. Like I said, what's wrong with just saying "I LOVE THIS PERSON."
For you, maybe nothing. others need different things in order to place importance on things, you know? I totally agree that a marriage certificate doesn't magically make something a "marriage". And there are some unions that have the certificate that shouldn't, and some that don't and could totally qualify.
ReplyDeleteIt's an individual thing, I think. Some people just place importance on different aspects.
To me, saying a marriage certificate is important is like say that it's important to have a really big, expensive car to show off to the neighbours. It shouldn't be about showing off what you have when what's important is that the car works and serves it's purpose (in the case of a relationship, the purpose is to make you happy).
ReplyDeleteIf a relationship NEEDS a marriage to make it important, it's not a very good relationship in the first place.
it's mostly a formal promise, a formal commitment so you're both saying you're happy and comfortable with the relationship and you want to spend your life together. No, not everyone needs it. But I don't think it's fair to take on a tone of condescension when talking about someone who DOES feel like it's a necessary step for them.
ReplyDeleteI think WEDDINGS can sometimes take on what you're saying... a "look how much I can spend!" type thing, and I think that's really sad. But wedding doesn't equal marriage, and vice versa... and I do think the two should be considered separately.
I think it's totally fine for people to not get married... people should do what feels right to them. For me? Marriage is important. It's a combination of making a public statement that THIS is the man I want to spend my life with and will spend the rest of my years loving, protecting and building a life with. Does the actual relationship change from being married? No. Or, at least, it shouldn't. But how others perceive you, how the law perceives you and even how you perceive yourself can alter with it. And I think for some people, THOSE changes are necessary to set their relationship with their "spouse" apart from any others that occurred in the past.
If that makes sense. It's not so much that a relationship NEEDS a marriage, but that the couple involved wants to make that legal/social step. A want rather than a need, I suppose.
All I'm saying (in a non-condescending tone, for the record, and I can't see where you picked that up from) is that I don't see why people feel the need [or want] to 'make it formal' or why it's not enough to just have people know that this is the man for you rather than having to have a wedding to prove it. Surely it's more important to spend your life with someone than to be able to prove you're going to spend your life with someone.
ReplyDeleteTo me, a couple that stay together for 10 years without marriage possibly has a stronger love and connection than a married couple of 10 years. It's love holding them together, not a contract. I'm not saying a married couple wouldn't love each other, I'm just saying that the contract would be a factor when thinking about why someone would stay with someone else if they were unhappy.
As for setting it apart from relationships in the past, well, what about if/when it ends and they have to get a divorce? It's just another relationship then, except you'd have a nasty thing like an ex-husband/wife and a divorce, which probably makes the whole split even more painful than it would be without a marriage.
Like I said already, I'm all for celebrating love, having parties and festivals for it, spending forever with someone... I just don't see why it's important to involve a contract and everyone else's approval.
I'm not saying that I'd NEVER get married, myself. I'm just saying that I'd have to live with the guy for many years first, and I'd probably not even tell most people it was happening. No giant marshmallow dress, no hotel reception, DEFINITELY no church and saying "Dear god, I love this man" (though that came out funnier than I meant it to). If I ever got married it would be a final step in an already established relationship, even right down to how the government sees it.
See, as far as I've gathered from watching the news and all this week, the government here are bringing in a new legislation that when a couple live together for 3 years they basically get treated like a married couple in the eyes of the government (taxes, welfare, etc). I'm not sure though because I only heard little bits of it so don't bite my head off if I'm wrong.
oooooh no no, I wasn't saying YOU were sounding condescending! Just that most with this particular view point tend to take that route, and it's obnoxious when it happens. And yes, I agree that the WEDDING isn't a neccesary thing, and shouldn't be. It's the decision to be together and stay together, and the wedding is meant to be a celebration of that. And far too often it isn't anything anywhere near close, I agree.
ReplyDeleteAnd there's a line with unhappiness... obviously, no matter the relationship you're not ALWAYS going to be totally happy. And I guess the reason why divorce rates are so high is the fact that, like you said, the weddings are being used as a cement rather than a celebration of something that's already there. And yes, in the case of divorce the setting it apart from other relationships goes out the window a bit.... any marriage after that is going to be compared with the previous one. Which is why i think you see a LOT of people who have a previous divorce a lot more likely to have another. I don't think you should go into a marriage thinking about the divorce aspect though... it's almost like trying to cut your losses ahead of time, in which case you're not giving the marriage your full effort to begin with.
And I agree with what your saying about your potential for getting married. This is part of why I moved in with brandon despite the fact that my family's ten kinds of pissed off that I wasn't married off first. I don't get the people who can know each other for 6 months, get engaged and then be married 3 months after that. THAT'S insanity to me. you can't know someone in that amount of time... you can't even know your own feelings in that amount of time. Crazies.
And we have common law marriages here as well, like what you're talking about. I think in Texas it's actually only a year... buuuuuuut it's really more what you put into it. So like, if I wanted to say Brandon and I were married after a year of living together, I COULD legally but I don't HAVE to. If that makes sense? And in cases of separation/divorce I don't think it's looked at in quite the same fashion as regular marital unions.